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5 Reasons Tim Armstrong is Better Looking than You

on Oct 8, 12 • by • with No Comments

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Tim Armstrong is the CEO of AOL and former Head of North America for Google, where he joined in 2000. And he is gosh-darned handsome. Here’s why:

5 Reasons Tim Armstrong is Better Looking than You

1.    Hair






Look at that beautiful shiny stuff on top of his head!  It’s so silky and clean – full and luxurious, like mink…which he can totally afford.


2.    Cheekbones

That sunken cheek thing he’s got going on here? He’s doing it on purpose. Or maybe he’s not – I can’t tell. But I can tell that it’s working. Holy shit am I gay for this guy. He’s got the cheekbones of an 18 yr old Romanian supermodel. He’s gotta be bulimic….at least that’s what I’m telling myself to make myself feel better. Damn you, Tim Armstrong.


3.    Teeth

Teeth. Big, strong, predatorial teeth that say, “my teeth are bigger than yours.” And you know what that really means.


4.    Blue Steel

What executive has the balls to pose for executive publicity shots like he’s on the runway in Milan?  Tim Fucking Armstrong.  Check out this cold, hard, “I’m going to make beautiful sex with the stock market” stare he’s giving the camera here.  Holy crap is this guy good.


5.    (Oh yeah) Money

The ladies dig guys with money (note Arianna unable to control her girlish attraction here. Or maybe she’s faking it. Either way, I guess…). The fellas dig guys with money (even if that attraction is disguised as envy). Armstrong owns 4% of AOL, about $120 million at today’s valuations. That’s not Zuckerberg money, but figure Armstrong took down nine-figures from Google and you’ve got yourself one very wealthy man. Who happens to be very, very handsome.

To paraphrase Sean Parker:  “You know what’s cooler than F-you money? F-me money.”

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