There’s nothing like a few days at CES in Las Vegas to get the tech juices flowing early in the year. All the industry leaders are there touting their latest innovations and opining about the future of technology.
Of course I never even went to the convention center and spoke to very few people who are employed in tech or media. I did, however, have dozens of conversations with bartenders, dealers and waitresses…all of whom know what’s up.
I have synthesized my learnings below in Banner Ad Confidential’s 8 Tech / Media Predictions that WILL HAPPEN in 2015.
1. Tinder will take a page out of Uber’s playbook and implement new “surge pricing,” that increases prices of hooking up just before bars close. Company executives will position the move as an attempt to “address the relatively low supply of single women at the peak of demand.” Banner Ad Confidential has also learned that Tinder will launch a new tier of its service for ugly people called TinderX.
2. AOL will partner with Verizon in a strategic partnership code-named “Take Back the Landline.” The combined company will devote 100% of its R&D budgets to develop a new slate of apps for the rotary phone. The “Call Waiting” app promises to be almost as big as *69 (also the code name of a new Tinder service…but that’s a different story).
3. The NFL will attempt to rehabilitate its image as woman-friendly by featuring in its Super Bowl half-time extravaganza an appearance by renowned women’s health expert, Dr. Cliff Huxtable. Appropriately, the expanded program will be sponsored by mmmm Jello Pudding Pops.
4. Business Insider will continue to buy traffic while selling credibility and broaden its focus away from articles with actual substance or insight. Be ready for frothy gems like 12 Geometry Teachers Who Look Like Hitler, 10 Things You’re Doing That Makes Children Hate You, and 6 Dads Who Dress Like Assholes.
5. Sony Pictures, drafting on its post-hack success with the barely-mediocre film The Interview, will add a storyline wherein Adam Sandler’s character plots to kill King Felipe VI of Spain in the resurrected project, Spanglish 2
6. Snapchat, in an effort to broaden its user-base beyond tweens and millennials, will launch a beta version for baby boomers and retirees in which users will snap each other private pictures and videos. Special features of the tool include a new photo filter that makes wrinkled skin appear taut and smooth, a super-powerful zoom feature (to help with age-weakened eyes) and a simpler tutorial targeted to older users. When asked what she thought of the new tool, 78 a year old Mildred Abromowitz of Boca Raton replied “SNAP WHO?”
7. The Weather Channel will boost its investment in original programming, launching a new show called Nylon Lovers that features true stories of real people who have actually gotten laid while wearing a Weather Channel windbreaker.
8. Yahoo!: Channeling Brad Garlinghouse’s famous 2006 memo in which he called for the company to change its ways, a Yahoo! upper-middle-management person will write a memo capturing the company’s current woes. Instead of calling it The Peanut Butter Manifesto, this memo will come to be known as The Shit Sandwich Proclamation.