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Bored Facebook Retiree Stays Busy with Carpool / Wine

on Oct 18, 12 • by • with 1 Comment

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Guest Columnist:  Chris Murphy

Chris Murphy worked at Facebook from 2006-2011 as an Account Executive in the Chicago office. Today his LinkedIn bio lists his job title as “Consultant/Investor.” Below he shares what it’s like to be a Facebook retiree.

I left Facebook in 2011. I wouldn’t say that I retired, but it’s starting to feel that way, since I haven’t worked in almost a year and a half. I tell people that I’m a consultant, but then they ask me who my clients are, and I say, “uhhhhhh…”

My bio also describes me as an investor, but that really just means I’m trying to figure out how to sell this Facebook stock. Btw, the last five months have not been very fun. If I hear “I told you so,” from my financial advisor one more time, I’m gonna kick him in the balls.

But hey, it’s not all bad, I guess. My net worth is going to be many-millions+. Still, it could have been 2x-many-millions+, which is, like, more. I know that’s not the right way to look at it, and I totally believe in the company long-term,but still…I mean…fuck!

Just to be clear – I’m not complaining. Life is good! But the whole not-working thing is just so different than I thought it would be. Like, right after I left the company, I was exhilarated. I worked out. I upgraded the house – we put in a pool and karaoke studio. I built a driving range in my basement. We did some travelling. And it was cool.

But then the kids’ school started, so we had to be back at home. I hung around the house a lot and I started to get on my wife’s nerves. I guess she didn’t appreciate my opinions about the ways things should run. One time she snapped at me, “you know, things worked just fine before when you were working and traveling all the time!”

She even started to ask me to do stuff around the house. Imagine that – after I had made all this money for the family – now I’m the housekeeper! I’d give her a “you gotta be kidding me” look, and she’d say, “it’s not like you’re doing anything important (nodding over the couch toward LIVE with Kelly).”

It was harsh, but she was right. We needed to find a way to relate day-to-day like we had not done to that point in our marriage. There were some highlights – we squeezed in a few nooner’s.

But I needed a place to go everyday, so I got an office in my buddy’s insurance practice.

Since then I have fallen into a routine. I take my kids to school in the morning, go to the gym, then show up at the office around 10:00. I’ll do a little email/Facebooking, read the news, and have a call with my accountant and financial planners. By then it’s lunchtime.

After lunch I’ll take a call with a local start-up that’s looking for some help, play a little FarmVille, then maybe take a nap.

I don’t think my buddy’s employees always appreciate having me around. They’re mostly in cubicles, and I took one of only three offices. But hell, I’m paying rent!

Besides, I add some life to the place – and believe me, those drones need it. They’re all so stressed-out. I’m like, “guys, relax! It’s just work.” I circulate the best jokes from the web and hold a daily “putt-off” in the lobby. They’ve even won a buck or two off of me.

On my way home (usually around 3:45), I’ll swing by the wine shop to pick out a bottle or case of something interesting. I’ve been drinking big reds lately (well, not lately – more like since the mid-’90s).

Anyway, it’s not anything crazy. Just good straight-forward stuff. Caymus Special Selection is my everyday wine. Great for grilling-out or watching The Voice with the wifey on a Tuesday night.

If I want something a little more special, I’ll just look for whatever Owen (Van Natta, former Facebook COO) or (Mike) Murph(-y, former Head of Sales for Facebook) have posted on Facebook. Those two guys know how to party. Sorry, I mean they really appreciate fine wine.

Chris Murphy enjoys some of his “Tuesday wines.”

So my life is really nice and not too stressful, but the truth is, I’m a little bored.

It’s hard to do anything about it because I’m in this weird place – trapped between two ends of the money spectrum.

On one end, there’s regular people who have to work. I have actually thought about taking another ad sales job…just to have something to do, you know? But it’s worth, what – $200k/year – to deal with quotas and agency bullshit?  I mean not even a quarter-mil to get bitched at about CPMs and read “never been done before” on every RFP?  F-that, man.

On the other end of the spectrum, there’s the people who have crazy money.  I mean, I’m “rich,” but I’m not “rich-rich,” you know?  Like, when I take my family to Deer Valley, we still have to fly commercial. It’s brutal.

And trust me, people with nine-figures money do not want to hang out with people who only have seven- or eight-figures money. It’s not like Kevin Colleran’s calling to offer me a ride on his jet (share).

I don’t know. I just thought it would be more exciting…I don’t miss the stress, but I do miss the Facebook team – there were some really good folks there. And killer snacks.

Anyway, I gotta bolt. I’m leaving early today to pick up some moisturizer and my new golf clubs. Plus, I’ve got to get home by 4:00 to catch SuperStation’s Saved by the Bell marathon.

Go Packers!

 

BTW, IF YOU DIDN’T FIGURE IT OUT, CHRIS MURPHY DIDN’T WRITE THIS ARTICLE. POLLINGER DID.

IT’S A JOKE, PEOPLE!

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