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Job Listing: Director of Social Media, Top 5 Global Marketer

on Jan 24, 13 • by • with No Comments

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Role:  Director of Social Media will work with the VP of Marketing to prolong the elaborate myth that company has actually developed a social media strategy.


  • Manage company’s “earned media” presence on Facebook, Twitter, The Pinterest, LinkedIn, Tumbler, Google+, Foursquare, Instigram, Myspace, Orkid and Classmates.com
  • Meet unrealistic goals without the luxuries of budget, support staff, or organizational credibility.
  • Make VP Marketing appear insightful about social media even though he doesn’t have a Facebook profile (but it’s totally cool because his niece explained it to him)
  • Script and post ridiculous rhetorical questions to pollute Newsfeeds of company’s most brain-dead social media fans who will (get this) actually respond!
  • Calm fears of hysterical brand manager when someone posts on his brand’s FB page, “Brand x bites huge donkey balls!”
  • Answer random questions from CMO like, “what’s our SlideShare strategy?”
  • Adopt and implement social media practices crafted by lawyers who have no incentive to make either your life easier or the company more successful.
  • Manage engagement of “social media consultant” (CMO’s recently-unemployed friend) who makes twice as much as you and delivers nothing except the CMO’s ear into which he pours the ideas you’ve been working on for the past 18 months.
  • Work across organization / be simultaneously loved, hated and ignored by brand teams.
  • Aggressively use buzzwords in internal meetings to demonstrate your extensive social media knowledge, with the effect of only further ostracizing yourself from traditional (i.e., old) brand marketers.
  • Pretend that social media department of company can move fast and act independently / admit reluctantly that you and the social graph aren’t going to change the way things work at 100-yr old bureaucracy.
  • Occasionally wear a hoodie.


  • B.A. in Computer Science, English, Math, Anthropology or some Business-type thing.
  • 3+ years experience in marketing, media or barista-arts.


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