So, what’s the deal?
I know you don’t have kids and you may not understand how the whole “kid” thing on Facebook works. It’s like this: I post a picture of my kid, and you Like it.
If you think my kid is cute, you Like it. If you think my kid is not cute, then you definitely Like it.
Either way, you just Like it. Period.
To be honest, I don’t really care if you Like it. I mean, I do care – I am super-proud of my beautiful little girl, and I post pictures of her because she’s a reflection of what’s good in me. Your job on social media is to congratulate me for the part of my life that I have not screwed up. At least not yet.
What I mean is that I “get it.” I get it if you don’t have time to Like it. Or if you do have time but just feel that you don’t want to do it out of obligation.
But here’s the thing – you have to do it out of obligation. That’s what “obligation” means (you’ll learn a lot more about this when you get married).
Even if you don’t want to do it out of obligation, then do it for me as a pal because you not doing it is going to expose me to a line of questioning from my wife that I really don’t want to deal with.
It’ll start with, “Why didn’t Howard Like that picture of the baby that you posted yesterday? Is it because he’s single?”
And I’ll go, “I don’t know, honey. I’m sure he’s got a lot going on.”
And she’ll go, “He’s got time to like Pearl Jam, Barack Obama, and Modern Family, but not our daughter? Does he not like children?”
And then I’ll go, “Baby, I’m sure it’s not like that.”
And then she’ll go, “But you do see the irony, that he likes Modern Family, but not our family?”
And I’ll have to go, “Yes, that would be ironic but I don’t think that’s how you should interpret it.”
And she won’t have to, but will choose to go, “So you’re taking your friend’s side over mine?”
…and this is where the evening goes south.
So look, man, just Like the picture. Like any picture of my kids – or of any of your friends’ kids for that matter. It’s just what you do.
You may be thinking, “but you don’t Like all of the pictures that I post.” There are two good reasons for this. First, your pictures of concerts and travel and cavorting with beautiful young people are your reward in themselves. Second, I can’t. For example, that picture you posted last week – the one of you and that stunning Brazilian girl in Ibiza…
You think I can Like that picture without ramifications?
Here’s what happens if I Like that photo:
1. My wife sees it in her Newsfeed, and…
2. I get these questions:
- “Who was that girl Howard was with in Ibiza?”
- “Is he dating her?”
- “Do you think she’s prettier than me?”
- “Do you wish you were still single?”
- “Really, you never think about other girls?”
It’s not even worth discussing the logic of these questions because there isn’t any. I just answer them as follows:
- “Who was that girl Howard was with in Ibiza?” I don’t remember to which girl you are referring – could you be more specific? Oh, the tan, sinewy and smoky-eyed Brazilian girl in the beaded thong? Nope, I don’t remember her.
- “Is he dating her?” I don’t know. But, you know, Howard’s a good guy, he’s not a player or anything.
- “Do you think she’s prettier than me?” Absolutely not.
- “Do you wish you were still single?” Heck no!
- “Really, you never think about other girls?” Isn’t it time for Homeland?