Your crazy-hot LinkedIn photo is distracting me. In fact, I’m totally stalking your profile. But look, don’t blame me. You’re the one who chummed up my PEOPLE YOU MAY KNOW field with that tasty headshot of yours.
I saw that and thought, “I might know her? Get the hell out of here! I’d remember her.”
Good Lord, are you a marketer or a model?
But then i put it together…Charlotte Tiramisu. Of course! We met in a meeting many years ago. You were right out of college, really attractive and so, so earnest. But look at how you’ve blossomed!
I see that you’re now a VP at a very prestigious marketing consulting firm. My God, when did you become a woman? No, not like that. I mean, like, when did you develop the magnetic confidence that is jumping through this social network into my brain.
Because I’m so interested in your career progression, I took it upon myself to check out your Facebook profile. I hope you had fun on your trip to Mexico. You sure seem to have kept it together…you know, physically. Shit have you kept it together.
So that guy you went with – is he your boyfriend? I was just wondering since your relationship status is private. Are you going to marry him? I bet he has a lot of money…
Btw, I also took the liberty of perusing your profiles on Spotify, Instagram, Google+, and Twitter (hey, why haven’t you followed me back?).
Please don’t worry about me sifting through for all of your publicly-available information – like the fact that you’re a Capricorn, love independent film and played field hockey at Vassar (what else did you explore up there?).
Btw, you may want to adjust your Facebook Privacy settings – there are a lot of creeps out there.
WAIT A MINUTE – this social media stalking isn’t me. My life is good. I love my family, and I don’t mess around.
Look, I didn’t ask for the distraction of your hotness when I went to LinkedIn to see if anyone new had checked my Profile (nobody in the last two days…shit).
You’re the one violating the unwritten etiquette of LinkedIn, i.e. The Corporate Social Network, with all its linoleum floors, drop-panel ceilings and bad coffee thereto pertaining. You’re supposed to post a picture of yourself that is professional. Not quite ugly, but certainly not attractive either.
This is not Match.com or Myspace, c. 2005. You should not come here to shout out to your peeps or aks where the party at. You should bring to LinkedIn the same contrived optimism and Soviet Bloc-personality that you bring to the office everyday.
So cut it out, Ms. Tiramisu.
SAME WITH YOU, HOT GUY
Okay, Hunk. Maybe you want women drooling over your photo in this presumably professional environment. Maybe you want dudes checking you out too. Either way, it’s all good, bro.
But seriously, what’s with the Ryan Gosling shit you’re pulling in your profile pic? Who do you think you are, Tim Armstrong? I mean are you connecting to other like-minded professionals or auditioning for a soap opera?
Listen, if you’re a marketing professional by-day and an aspiring actor by-night, don’t use your acting headshots for your LinkedIn profile. Know why? Because you look like someone striving for a more creative and joyful life, as opposed to the dreamless, stressed-out professionals like the rest of us.
Listen when I tell you: dreams have no place in the corporate world. Just suck it up and count-down the days until retirement like everyone else.
What I’m saying here is that if you post that photo, you’re gonna get all kinds of crazy ladies and salivating dudes checking you out. Maybe you don’t mind being objectified, but you should just know what you’re signing up for.
What is true in the real world is also true in Social Media World: You reap what you sow. If you don’t want to be checked out, don’t send out that vibe.
While we’re on the subject, here are some other elements that have no place on your LinkedIn profile and what they would say about you.
- Wearing a Scarf: says, “I’m self-important and pretentious. Also, my cubicle is a little drafty.”
- Pouty lips: says “I have poor judgment. You will regret hiring me in a huge way and when you inevitably try to fire me, I will file a ‘hostile work environment suit’ against you.”
- Chin resting on fist: says, “Hey, the photo in my high school annual didn’t keep me from getting action, and I’m going with what has worked in the past.”
- Arms folded: says “I want to look like a tough cookie, even though I’m vaguely aware this pose conveys defensiveness and insecurity.” It also says, “Don’t look at my boobies!”
- Popped collar: A popped collar doesn’t just say, it screams: “don’t hire me!” And if you’re holding onto said collar, you might as well be doing finger pistols. Pretty easy formula: Popped Collar = Huge Loser.
- Scruffy beard: I am normally against the scruffy beard look, but you should totally do this on LinkedIn because it says “I really don’t care how I look.” Which is exactly the right message for LinkedIn. Remember: you are a corporate being, not a sexual one. And if you don’t believe me, then tell me why this guy chose to go with that look: