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Job Listing: Blogger Person

on Feb 4, 13 • by • with No Comments

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Photo on 1-24-13 at 6.09 AM #2 2

This blogger should probably put some pants on since it’s almost dinner time.

Role:  Tech/Social Media Blogger will work on own from home or Starbucks to write a bunch of stuff about some topic on which he/she/it declares some degree of interest, familiarity or expertise.

Responsibilities:

  • Contrive POV and article topics through which to convey same on daily/weekly (okay, monthly) basis.
  • Ignore father-in-law’s involuntary pantomime of masturbation whenever he refers to “blogger,” “blogging,” or “your blog” and tries to understand why “on God’s green earth” you would engage in such dilettante pursuits.
  • Eat savory leftovers at 9:15 a.m./stay in pajamas until early afternoon.
  • Wallow in writers-block/own flatulence while you watch Morning Joe trying to come up with something funny to write about the inauguration that took place two weeks ago.
  • Grossly violate one’s own principles re. not bothering friends/spam them relentlessly.
  • Delude self into thinking there is some kind of business here.
  • Think to self, “you know what’ll make this 1600 word essay on the state of public radio more share-able: italics! Yes. Young, social people love italics!”
  • Lose shit completely when Facebook changes algorithm for sharing posts. Afterall, this writing of yours is gold and your friends want – no need – to read your new posts. It is most assuredly NOT spam.
  • Ignore massive opportunity cost of “doing what you love” instead of reaping massive windfall from more monetizable skills like….anything.
  • Listen to Spotify for hours, hoping it’ll inspire an article about content distribution in the social age, but really just thinking up funny names for playlists like ‘80’s Canadian Rock Workout MixMen Are Dicks, and Songs That Get You Pregnant (mostly Sade, Barry White and R. Kelly)
  • Check post comments, Google Analytics and social networks to see if anyone has actually read your article. Check ’em again. Just for good measure, check them again.
  • Act all cool when you ask friends if they read and shared your most recent post. “Not yet? Fuck you, ‘friend!’ No chance I’m coming to your ugly kid’s christening!”
  • Go to Target just to get out of the house and save your bleeding sanity.
  • Think constantly, “I should probably get a job.”
  • Spend three hours on a post. Hate it. Work on it some more. Ignore it for a month. Come back to it. Work on it some more. Come back to it in two days. Figure out that it’s actually okay.

Requirements:

  • Ability to string together 400-1500 words on a semi-regular basis.
  • Bizarre combination of self-confidence and chronic insecurity, resulting in an insatiable need to be noticed, read, Re-Tweeted, told you’re a good person.
  • Firm grasp on irrelevant buzz-words like “disintermediation,” “crowd-sourced,” and “self-respect.”
  • Vague familiarity with WordPress, Blogger or other publishing software (really, what matters here is your brilliant words, bro….this software stuff is just keeping you down).

Compensation:

  • Oh, that’s rich. Really, very funny. Keep it up.

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