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Twitter Kicks Q2 in the Nuts

on Jul 30, 14 • by • with No Comments

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Twitter3San Francisco, CA – In a move few outsiders expected, Twitter, Inc. rared up and blasted the second quarter of 2014 square in the mother-fucking junk.

Twitter CEO Dick Costolo addressed the investment community last night in a conference call after the markets closed.

“Look you turds, I’ve been telling you all along that things are going really well,” he said. “And here’s your goddamn proof.”

Investors shat themselves with excitement, driving the stock up 25% in after-hours trading.

Q2 was temporarily unavailable for comment as it writhed on the ground in twisted agony.

After almost ten minutes of hyperventilating and moaning “I can’t breathe,” Q2 struggled slowly to its knees and wiped tears away from its bloodshot eyes.

“What just happened? Last thing I remember, that little blue tweety bird walked up to me, just whistling to itself. Then – WHAM – everything went black” Q2 said.

“Oh God, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to have children!” Q2 added.

There has been in recent months great skepticism about Twitter’s revenue model and ability to grow its user-base. The stock has dropped almost 10% since it last announced earnings, and even Fed Chair Janet Yellen has gone out of her way to caution investors about the frothy valuations of social media companies.

Twitter’s Costolo seemed to enjoy the role of redeemed underdog, if not blustery thug. “Understand one thing – you talk shit about the bird, and you’re gonna get cut.” he boasted. “I don’t hear Janet yellin’ now. Do you?”

While disclosing no specific guidance, Costolo suggested continued momentum for Twitter’s prospects over the next three months.

“Q3 – you better buy a jock and a cup, cuz we’re comin’ at you hard you know whut i’m sayin'” (which this reporter believes was a statement more than a question).

He ended the meeting by calling out skeptics and naysayers who have relished in Twitter’s foundering stock price, “Yeah, that’s what I thought you said.”

He then dropped the microphone, and added, “Punk ass mofos.”

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